I love praise and worship, individually, in small groups, as a corporate body, and in large crowds. There is freedom in worship. Tonight there was also revelation.
Over the past year I have learned a lot about myself and about my view of God. I identified that I have the hardest time accepting the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, especially as a comforter because I did not have a lot of nurturing in my life. Emotions were not expressed and comfort was not received.
Tonight as we sang, I was a little distracted by the little peeps that joined me. I was enjoying the presence of the Lord, but also trying to keep an eye on them to make sure they weren't doing something they shouldn't. My eyes were opened so I noticed, as I was turning around to look at them, I could see those around me with arms wide opening praising the Lord. The universal sign of surrender, a stance I often have in praise, but not tonight. Not at that moment in time.
My hands were, as they often are, over each other on my heart, like the sign for Love. I have no idea where I learned to worship like that. For a moment I felt guilty that I wasn't "surrendered." But He gently reminded me I learned to trust Him and surrender (not that it is not a daily process) at an early age. I lifted my hands to Him because He was the one I could trust always. I surrendered before I knew what surrender was because I knew I couldn't deal with things without Him. Even when I walked away from Him, He was there, and I knew it.
I needed to held Him close in worship, because I need to learn that He can comfort me. For a few years now, I have found the freedom of emotions in worship. Tears that have been bottled up for years flow freely before the Lord in worship. I have poured out my soul in song and praise and prayers of groaning when words wouldn't come.
Then I realized, I have been holding Him closer. Initially if my hands were not raised, they were in front of me like a child praying. I don't know why I did this. But the past few months, it has been more of an embrace at times.
God has been comforting me. He has been guiding me through months of especially vulnerable times. He has been drawing me close, but I have also been drawing Him closer. Letting Him comfort me, nurture me, guard me. I was focused on allowing people in to comfort me, but all the while He was drawing me in to let Him be my comforter.