The aftermath

It has been a month today since the tragic tornado in Joplin that claimed the lives of over 150 people and destroyed thousands of homes and businesses, leaving a large path of destruction. I praise God that I was not in Joplin that day, but was instead at home celebrating my daughter's high school graduation. I remember standing outside watching the storm that had just some time before ripped though Joplin, unbeknownst to me. It would be several hours before I would find out that the hospital I have worked for since April 2009 was destroyed.

I guess the stages of grief started immediately. I was in deep denial. I didn't believe that it had happened, and certainly would not believe the magnitude of the destruction. My friends and family questioned if I needed to do anything and what they could do. My heart felt helpless as I had no clue what to do. My mind knew that we have a disaster call list and that I would be called when and if they needed me. I got the call that night to come in the next day.

The following day, I went to Joplin. I needed to be there. I needed to feel like I was doing something. I also knew that many of my coworkers had lost everything. They needed to focus on their own basic needs, not those of others. I also knew that many of my coworkers had been working during the tornado, I knew that their adrenaline would soon run out and reality would start to set in. I knew the sooner they could start the process the better.

As I drove in, my route was detoured, so I had little knowledge of the extent of the damage and destruction. It was more of a personal inconvenience as traffic was insane, backed up and police directed as the stop lights were out. I had to get directions on my cellphone to a location that I had never been before, Memorial Hall.

I was protected from the devastation driving in to Joplin that day. Reading about tragedy, for me, is much different than seeing it or experiencing it first hand. And that first day, I had only read on the Internet reports and seen darkened news reports on television and heard things on the radio. I believe that was purposeful on God's part. I might not have been able to handle the trauma that I would need to help people through if it was being filtered through my own secondary trauma and loss.

When I got there, everyone was being ushered in to emergency shelter as a tornado warning was in effect. I would visit those emergency shelters three more times over the next twenty-four hours. Honestly, I would moan and complain about having to be in the basement of some building. I want to be able to see what is going on outside. They were on high alert, I was still in my own little world.

I spent the next 24 hours helping people seeking medical treatment to make sure their physical, social, emotional, and psychological needs were also met. I could see the Spirit of Mercy was alive and well, despite our home being gone. We talked with every patient and family that came in to assess for needs. Shelter was the most common need, and transportation, both were readily available.

Many people wait months before the onset of processing things, others wait a lifetime and let things build up to the point they have no other choice but professional help. For many, that Tuesday morning would be worse than the tornado. My heart broke the following day as people who had spent the night treating others, came back realizing they too were injured. Their emotions were raw, their faith broken.

I remember walking the perimeter of our makeshift hospital around midnight praying to God to comfort those who had suffered loss. I prayed for Him to give strength and energy to those wanting to reach out and help. I prayed for God to help workers find those who were still alive, and to identify those who were not. I knew that praying was the one thing I could do as the patient's stopped coming due to curfew.

My heart was blessed as I came back around to the main entrance of the building. People had been dropping off donations since I had arrived that morning. The whole entrance was full of clothing, shoes, hygiene products, water, food and other items people use on a daily basis. There were donations of medicine and other medical supplies that were needed. It truly was a work of God how quickly things had come together.

I left the following morning, and was unfortunately taken down through the hardest hit areas. I felt saddened as I saw the people rummaging through what was left of their homes. I was angered as I saw people who were, in my opinion, making light of personal tragedy as the drove snapping pictures of people's private pain. My heart sank as I saw the outside devastation of the hospital from Main Street, especially knowing that despite its damage, it was the only thing really standing off in the distance and that from where I was I shouldn't be able to see it.

I went home, emotionally and physically drained. I knew I would have to be to sleep after all that I saw and heard that 24 hours before. Every person with a story that needed to be told, every person with a pain that needed to be comforted, and every person with a loss more real than anything I have experienced. Sleep did not come easily.

Like I said, today it has been a month. At times, I still feel helpless. At other times selfish because I don't want to see anymore, seeing pictures of the inside of my hospital tore my heart. I don't like hearing the sirens, or anything like it. I can't imagine how those who lived through it feel.

Helping remove rubble from a destroyed home, gave me some sense of purpose, but it was so minimal compared to the needs I see before me. Comforting families who lost loved ones, providing encouragement, donating time and goods it all falls short of what is needed. But I know that it is going to take everyone doing something to meet the need. It is hard for me to go to Joplin, to work in a tent, that praise God meets the needs of the people, but is a constant reminder of what was lost.

Then I ram reminded that it is through our hardest times, that God draws the nearest. It is in our weakness, He is made strong. I think about the lessons I have learned from this devastation, and hope to get them shared soon here on my blog.

Self discipline

I was pausing my exercise program (EA Active Sports 2) today, sitting there trying to catch my breath, asking "When is this going to get easier?" I have been doing it eleven weeks, at least 4 days a week, sometimes more. I have burned over 14,502.5 calories, exercised 27 hours and 40 minutes, completed 73 workouts, and logged over 75.3 miles during this time. I mean, I am on the easiest level of the easiest level! Yet today, it feels just as hard for me as when I first started.

I thought "God why can't You just take this from me too? Why can't I just surrender this, and You handle it from there?" I admit, my own choices got me in the condition that I am in, and although I pray that I would just wake up one day and my health would be restored - AKA health weight, I know that I have to do my part and God will meet me there.

I thought about the other addictions I have faced, and the people that I work with who face addictions. I was reminded of a more prominent wealthy woman I worked with and our discussion about her alcohol addiction. With other drugs, you can avoid the people that sell them, you can cut off that part of your life, but with alcohol, you eventually have to go to the gas station, you have to go get groceries, and whether your ready or not to be strong and resist, you are going to be presented with alcohol as you go get gas or groceries. We discussed buying the gas at the pump, and maybe having someone else do the shopping for a while until she built up her ability to say no. Unfortunately with my current addiction, I also can not just avoid it until I am strong enough to face it.

I realized sitting there in the floor, that when God saw me through my addiction to pills, marijuana, alcohol, sexual sin, and cigarettes - I was able to just lay them down and God did the rest. I don't crave those things, and as far as I know there are no adverse effects that I still have to deal with because of my addictions. Although every now and then I have that thought of use, I can make a choice to say no. God meets me there every time.

I know that God is still there, meeting me where I am. I know that in my weakness, He is there in His strength. I know that He wants me to honor Him with my body. With my addiction of food, and how I let myself go by leading a sedentary lifestyle, I have to undo those things. I know I still have to say "yes" to the exercise, and "no" to the extra serving of food, and that He will be there, growing the fruit of self-control in my life. The exercise has become a habit, some days I enjoy it, other days I loathe it. I am watching my calories, some days I blow it, usually I stay within limits. I daily have to turn it over to God.

I realize that if God wanted to I could go to bed tonight and wake up in the morning weighing 130 pounds. I have to say, I would love that!!!! But I know that reality is over the past sixteen years I put myself in this shape, and as much as I dislike it, I may have to spend the next sixteen years getting out of it. I pray it doesn't take that long, but if it does, I will have to look daily for the lessons that God is teaching me through that process. I will have to daily die to self. There are no shortcuts in self-discipline.

This place

I realize I have so much still to learn
I am faced with this, everywhere I turn.
Looking through a mirror not even big enough to see my face
How long will I be stuck in this place?

I can't see more than a small piece at a time
I just don't want Your presence to pass me by.
I want a true revelation of Your love and grace
I want to move forward in You and get out of this place
Teach me Your ways, teach me to praise
Help me to listen to only Your voice.

This is the stuff

There is a song by Francesca Barristelli that has become one of my favorite songs. It's called "This is the Stuff" and talks about how God uses the little frustrations in our life to help grow us spiritually and emotionally. I usually have a song on my lips, but this one I sing when I am starting

I can never remember all the words so I repeat the parts I know over, and over, and over again. I am sure it annoys those around me, but it is hard to let those negative feelings in when you are singing "This is the stuff that drives me crazy, This is the stuff that's getting to me lately, in the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed...."

Friday I was feeling pretty negative about the circumstances going on around me. I should have been able to sleep in, but a bill collector for someone else called me. Then as I worked out with the Kinect, it didn't want to register me doing the exercises. Then I got in the shower, the water was cold.

As I stood in the shower singing these words over and over again, until I meant what I was signing, with the cold water pouring down on me I realized how all these little things that were getting to me were just little blessings in disguise.

When the bill collector called, it really woke me up, so my day got started a little earlier. On the plus side, the lady calling had a job that would meet her needs, and maybe that of her family. If the other person wasn't behind, the bill collector might not have a job. It also means that someone counted me a reliable enough to list as a reference.

In addition, I still slept in more than most days. I am blessed to not be able to sleep in because it means that I have children I have to get off to school and a job to go to, when so many people pray for kids and need a job.

The Kinect not registering reminded me that we are blessed to have one. And I am healthy enough to be able to exercise. Plus I got extra workout which I know I need! God was just helping me move a little closer to a healthy lifestyle.

And then, my cold shower blessing. First off, as I felt my frustration growing I started turning my attention to God which is never a bad thing! I thanked him that I have children who were home from school and that obviously one of them was concerned about hygiene whether it was for taking a shower, cleaning their clothes, or doing dishes. They were at home instead of running around the streets. Then I started thanking him for the lady with job who woke me up, to bless the person with outstanding debt. I thanked him for my job and meeting my needs. I thanked him for the extras like the Kinect and for my health.

I got out of the cold shower feeling refreshed and blessed. It was really good to know I was not going to go start gripping about all the things going wrong in my day - not to say I didn't give my daughter a hard time since she was eating breakfast when I told her I was getting in the shower. It was just more of a tease than my normal griping.

Now I can't promise that later today, or tomorrow, or next week I won't be singing this song again to remind me that there is a blessing in every problem - whether its the lesson that God is trying to teach me through the frustration, if He is trying to grow me spiritually, or just that there really is something good about the thing that is getting too me. But it sure beats getting cranky and taking it out on those around me. Thank you God for the stuff that drives me crazy!

If you have never heard the song, or are just feeling frustrated - click on the hyperlink above and it will take you to Francesca Barristelli's website and her song!

Be who you are

1 Samuel 17:38-40 Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them.

“I cannot go in these,” he said to Saul, “because I am not used to them.” So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.

As I read this scripture I thought how many times we try to be someone or something we are not. Maybe we try to "dress to impress," when really that is not who we are. Or we try to read up on something so we can be an "expert" when really we are just regurgitating the ideas and words of another.

I think whether we are doing this at the request of someone else - trying to fit into the mold they have made like Saul tried to have David do, or because of some fleshly desire of our own, it will never work.

We are uniquely designed to be the person God created us to be. When we try to put on something we are not, the burden becomes to heavy for us to bear because we weren't made for that. To often we try to make it a good fit, even though one size rarely fits all.

However, when we be who we are, we can succeed at what God designed us for no matter how impossible it seems. Just like David killing the giant with a small smooth stone.

Thoughts on marriage

I have been feeling led to start working on a group about marriage. I mean I teach relationship classes and relationship skills to couples, but it is material that I have been taught, and some that I have learned, but none that I feel completely passionate about. God has been leading me more to take time with the things I teach others and really apply His word to it, instead of the secular training I have.

So here are some initial thoughts about marriage that I quickly used to respond to a dear sister of mine about marriage.

You have to stop and make your marriage a priority. He should also, but one person can make the difference. Think about all the things you do in a day - do your actions show that you value 1) God, 2) Your Spouse 3) Your Children? So many times we put all the unimportant things first and neglect the things that should have our attention. We allow cooking, cleaning, work, the computer, the television, the ____ fill in the blank to take priority in our life.

As Christians, as wives, as mothers, we have to turn to God as the supreme source on relationships. That is what he created us for. As a wife you are called to respect your husband and submit to him. As a husband he is called to love as Christ loved the church. Unfortunately, our society has failed to recognize what God pointed out a long time ago - and that is relationships work in cycles. One person does their part, and the other eventually responds as they should. Our society has taught us that we are supposed to get love, to give love. But the Bible says it is more blessed
to give than to receive.

I Corinthians 13 says Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Start practicing, even when it is hard, loving your husband. Love him - God's way. Pray for him. Pray that God will give you a heart for your husband again. Start showing him patience. Start speaking kindness to him. Do not be envious when he does not immediately respond. Do not say "I am trying, He is not" - that is boastful and proud. Treat him with respect - it may have to start in the common courtesies we allow strangers, but seem to hold against those who are closest to us.

As far as no money and mixed schedules. Make time. Your marriage has to be a priority. Stay up 30 minutes to an hour later. It is free to offer a helping hand. Compliment him on the little things you have been taking for granted. Talk. Play a game. Take a walk together. I know we keep things G rated, but sex is free and it is in marriage God rated. Put the moves on your man. You know what your spouse would appreciate the most, the small things that make a difference to him. Set aside time together - as a must. Even if it means you take the kids to the park and sit and talk while they play - whatever it takes to keep your marriage alive. You were called to be a helpmate, not a roommate.

Emotions???

We live in an emotion filled world. We become sad, angry, happy over small trivial things. Possibly in the moment they seem worthy of the grand emotion, but in the eternal perspective they likely have little value. I wonder how many times we have those same intense emotions over the eternal things.

Do our hearts break for the broken marriages, the abused children, the empty lives that touches ours daily? Do we have to stop and regain our composure when we see a hurting life? Do we feel the need to reach out and help, with whatever means we can when we see someone in need? Are we moved with compassion as Christ was? Or are we so wrapped up in ourselves we can only grieve for the plant like Jonah?

Do we become enraged at the injustices in this world? Do we speak out for those who have no voice - not in anger, but in boldness for what is right? Do we have a holy anger burning inside of us when we see people that are being taken advantage of, abused, neglected, or harmed in some way? Do we stand up and fight the battle of those less fortunate, or save that only for when people wrong us personally or those close to us? Are we moved with holy anger as Christ was? Or do we just burn with anger for the things that impact us?

Do we rejoice with the angels when someone makes a personal decision for Christ. Not a small clap, but truly rejoice in our soul for the Kingdom has advanced? When marriages, families, and relationships are restored are we filled with rejoicing? When others succeed are we rejoicing with them? Or are we to busy complaining to God that we fail to take part of these precious moments?

God made us each emotional beings. I am sure he takes pleasure in our happiness and feels sorrow at our tears. I just feel that He wants us to partake in His emotions as well, as we would in any close relationship.