I have been doing a little review the past few weeks (okay months, it just sounds like a long time), as I try to figure out this thing called life. You know - where have I been, where am I going, a lot of soul searching. I am big on writing, and have a lot of prayer journals, so I have been looking over those and the things God has done.
I came across a line that struck me at the core, because while I see a lot of changes, I read a line that is something God has been really working in me a lot on lately. It said "I don't know which direction my life is going, it doesn't seem to be following the plans I made." That was back in 2004 - and all these years later He is still trying to get through the same message.
I realized back in October of this year, that sometimes, okay pretty often, God moves IN SPITE OF ME. I have this "perfect plan" all laid out, and think it is going to bring about the end result that I want. Well, most of the times the plan either doesn't work out or the end result is different than I planned.
It always works out - most things hardly ever stay the same - but it works out in God's plan, not mine. Lucky for me, every now and then, my plan lines up with His even though I often forget to ask.
"My Plans" are nothing unless they are "God's plans". If they work out the way I want, it is IN SPITE OF ME, not because of me. If they work out at all for the result I want, it is IN SPITE OF ME, not because of me. I have to take time to stop, ask, and listen to His Plans instead of trying to convince Him my plans are better.
It is a sobering idea how dependent we are on God, but when we will depend on Him, then it will all work out. I think back to all the requests, and how God moved in each situation I prayed for. When I look at specific requests, sometimes He moved like I asked, but other times, He moved in such a way that I would have never thought to ask and things turned out better. And other times, I would just say "Your will be done." and those things were resolved quickly and with the best possible outcome.
I am saddened to think that even though I was asking (superficially), for God to change me, that I still clung to my own plans all this time. When it finally hit me, back in October, I still have been slow to take those steps of faith, and follow the plans I know are before me.
I know that I want God to take the reigns, in every area of my life, I want to let go of my plans and start to see the plans He has, in spite of me, that I can help fulfill. I don't want to keep wasting time trying to do things my way, when God's plans are so much higher, efficent, effective, and perfect. I don't want to waste any more time forcing God to do things IN SPITE OF ME instead of through me as a willing servant of His will!