Wednesday, November 5, 2014


I often talk about my past matter of factually.  I realized earlier this year that I have processed the events of my past, but never the emotions.  A friend kept pressing for how I FELT and I honestly couldn't tell her.  I help people process their feelings, but was not in touch with my own, no one ever asks how I feel. 

So over the past eleven months God would reveal to me a feelings and I started seeking where that feeling originated and  how it had shaped my life.  Initially I started with an apology to my husband because I had not been honest with my feelings.  Some was probably hard for him to hear, but it was hard for me to say either.  To be vulnerable with the person most close to me, was very hard.  I was seeking honesty and healing and knew I had to start where I was.

Then God showed me the feeling of rejection.  Where is started and how it grew in my life.  He also allowed me to see how I had tried to hide it and how the feeling of rejection and the attempt to hide it had shaped my life.  Then God showed me the blessing inside the rejection.  He also show me how it had misshaped some events in my life.  As an adult, I can see the logical and legal reason behind some of the actions I did not understand as a five year old child.

Then God let me work on the bitterness that was in my heart.  This one He worked on in private and public, as messages seemed to pour from my pastors and other teachings I listen to about by I was frustrated.  I didn't realize how many aspects of my life I had allowed bitterness to set in and shape how I responded.

Then we got to the feeling of disappointment, loneliness, insecurity and taken for granted.  I see myself as content, so these are ones that I have identified but I am still seeking God's help to help me work through how this looks in my life and how to fix it.

Last week I embarked on a journey called Making Peace with Your Past by Tim Sledge.  Through it I am seeking to release and resolve childhood emotions that  I have hidden or denied that are still impacting my adult life.  I also want to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal a deeper level of Himself to me, especially as Comforter, Healer, and Nurturer.  Aspects I realize that were missing from my childhood. 

Having never looked at the book, God placed in my spirit what I was to work on through this next twelve weeks - food addiction.  I knew that it would be a challenge, as not only am I having to be completely honest with myself and God, now I am adding five complete strangers who kinda know each other.

Last week was just introductions and we received the book, a couple members were missing, so we went over the formalities and just talked a little.  I had shared some of my personal journey with another member, but again in the factual kind of way.

Then I started the work in the workbook that we are going through - Unit 1 Discovering Self-Esteem.  The material was good, and the questions pretty straight forward.  There was some discussion of emotions - like what feelings were allowed, not allowed, how do I deal with them now.  But for the most part it was stuff I have discussed previously.  I was wondering if it would be something that would help me process where I was.

As I was reading day 1, I came across the comment that let me know I was in the right place and that I would be able to work towards what God has place on my heart it said "She may learn to hide them or to deny that they even exist.  To make the emotional pain go away for a while, she may learn to swallow her feelings by eating." (Pg 11)

Today we met for our first group and I had completed the reading material and felt that I would be ready to share.  I had prayed on the way to the meeting and was a peace.  Then when it came time to share, I was seeking a way out of the group.  I really was not prepared to share deep feelings with people I don't know , let alone trust.  I know that I will go back, I know it was a work of the enemy to try to get me to keep my mouth quiet as much of what was shared I could relate to personally.

Seeking truth and honesty after 33 years of hiding feelings and emotions is a journey, and I know will continue to  be a processes.  Ultimately I want the freedom that Christ died for me to have.  Through this, I am seeking a deeper relationship with Him.

 Matthew 6:33  But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

This blog is prompted from  Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 1 full week to use the prompt word to your liking!  Whether it be just writing a story behind the prompt word, or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose. You have 1 week to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you. Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection!


  1. What a wonderfully honest post. Loved it. [It helped me a lot]. Thank you for the book recommendation too.

  2. Such courage. I have to say, in reading Tuesday@10 posts throughout these last few weeks, you ladies are so very courageous in your pursuit of God and His will in your lives.
    I've done this work that you are embarking on ... I do have about 16 years on you. ;) And I can tell you it's a process and some things will come to surface more than once, it's just the Holy Spirit dusting out the dark corners! My broken child was 5 too ... that's a LOT of years to heal, but God is ever efficient and quick.
    I encourage you to continue on and to continue sharing, in whatever manner is most comfortable for you!
    I can testify to the joy of the healing. And it's made me strong and full of faith for the life I have today ... and God's strength and faith are what I am standing on right now!
    You go on with your Fabulous self! I stand in awe of your transparent, honest courage.

    1. Thank you. I am glad that God has given me the ability to express through writing. This was I was able to share, well I read my blog post to the ladies. It is a start. I didnt think it would be so hard since I have shared my story from the stage for so many years, but it is just so personal in a small group. I can't wait to see what God will do through this.

  3. OH! I forgot to add. I'm adding your blog to my 31 Bloggers series!

  4. WOW! Jackie, your writing really really gave me a little bit of teary eyes! I am going through a lot of what you are going through. I have spent the past 7 1/2 years in therapy learning how to "be" with my emotions and to talk about what I held in since i was 5 years old.

    Your post really gave me a different perspective on emotions and where they come from - God giving us something to seek and look towards as he wants us to see them and work through them.

    I love this! I love your honesty and your vulnerability. Those are the very things that heal us and you are on the right path.

    Thank you for sharing this and being a part of my link up.. It was a blessing to read this morning.


    Finding The Grace Within

    1. I have been repeating over and over again in my head "I can't, God can, And I am gonna let Him." Thank you for the encouragement.

  5. I just wanted to let you know that you were one of the 2 highlighted writers for the word SEEK last week... GREAT JOB! you have a gift that shines! :) your link was posted on the facebook page