Self discipline

I was pausing my exercise program (EA Active Sports 2) today, sitting there trying to catch my breath, asking "When is this going to get easier?" I have been doing it eleven weeks, at least 4 days a week, sometimes more. I have burned over 14,502.5 calories, exercised 27 hours and 40 minutes, completed 73 workouts, and logged over 75.3 miles during this time. I mean, I am on the easiest level of the easiest level! Yet today, it feels just as hard for me as when I first started.

I thought "God why can't You just take this from me too? Why can't I just surrender this, and You handle it from there?" I admit, my own choices got me in the condition that I am in, and although I pray that I would just wake up one day and my health would be restored - AKA health weight, I know that I have to do my part and God will meet me there.

I thought about the other addictions I have faced, and the people that I work with who face addictions. I was reminded of a more prominent wealthy woman I worked with and our discussion about her alcohol addiction. With other drugs, you can avoid the people that sell them, you can cut off that part of your life, but with alcohol, you eventually have to go to the gas station, you have to go get groceries, and whether your ready or not to be strong and resist, you are going to be presented with alcohol as you go get gas or groceries. We discussed buying the gas at the pump, and maybe having someone else do the shopping for a while until she built up her ability to say no. Unfortunately with my current addiction, I also can not just avoid it until I am strong enough to face it.

I realized sitting there in the floor, that when God saw me through my addiction to pills, marijuana, alcohol, sexual sin, and cigarettes - I was able to just lay them down and God did the rest. I don't crave those things, and as far as I know there are no adverse effects that I still have to deal with because of my addictions. Although every now and then I have that thought of use, I can make a choice to say no. God meets me there every time.

I know that God is still there, meeting me where I am. I know that in my weakness, He is there in His strength. I know that He wants me to honor Him with my body. With my addiction of food, and how I let myself go by leading a sedentary lifestyle, I have to undo those things. I know I still have to say "yes" to the exercise, and "no" to the extra serving of food, and that He will be there, growing the fruit of self-control in my life. The exercise has become a habit, some days I enjoy it, other days I loathe it. I am watching my calories, some days I blow it, usually I stay within limits. I daily have to turn it over to God.

I realize that if God wanted to I could go to bed tonight and wake up in the morning weighing 130 pounds. I have to say, I would love that!!!! But I know that reality is over the past sixteen years I put myself in this shape, and as much as I dislike it, I may have to spend the next sixteen years getting out of it. I pray it doesn't take that long, but if it does, I will have to look daily for the lessons that God is teaching me through that process. I will have to daily die to self. There are no shortcuts in self-discipline.

This place

I realize I have so much still to learn
I am faced with this, everywhere I turn.
Looking through a mirror not even big enough to see my face
How long will I be stuck in this place?

I can't see more than a small piece at a time
I just don't want Your presence to pass me by.
I want a true revelation of Your love and grace
I want to move forward in You and get out of this place
Teach me Your ways, teach me to praise
Help me to listen to only Your voice.